The Godzilla Ate My Homework
by ExBlade
Summary: Godzilla returns to New York to apologize for all his bad deeds, but something goes wrong. Meanwhile, an evil rhino is gathering his troops... WARNING: Insanity galore!


AUTHOR'S STUPID NOTE: If you didn't notice, this is a fanFIC, meaning I am free to do whatever the hell I want with these characters. I will not spoil anything, but it does not contain any sex or gore, so I don't think you'll be too upset by anything in this story.  
  
Well, apart from the fact that it's completely insane, that is...  
  
Don't take it too seriously, either. Don't take it seriously at all.  
  
Anyway, on with the story.  
  
  
  
  
THE GODZILLA ATE MY HOMEWORK  
  
Chapter 1: Godzilla vs. Edgar the Furious Rhinoceros.  
  
The location was somewhere on the North Pole. That was probably the last place in which to look for godzillas, but for some reason our favourite Godzilla resided there. Nice and healthy, he figured. Lots of polar bears meant lots of good food.  
  
So anyway, while he was sitting in his igloo (don't ask), he pondered his existence. What had he achieved through all these years except destruction?   
  
It was time for him to apologize. Now, that would not be too easy. First of all, he couldn't speak English. Second of all, he wasn't much of a gentleman. Third of all, he was a giant lizard, whose mere appearance would scare people away, so that he could not apologize. Too bad, but he reckoned the best thing to do would still be to swim to the United States and say he's sorry.  
  
So that's what he did. Arriving at, uh... New York, saying hello to the Statue of Liberty, he emerged from the water in his lizard-like shape. All the New York citizens watched him with great fear, knowing what he had done to them four years ago.  
  
However, there was one small group of people that did not run for their lives. As you may have guessed, these were Audrey Timmonds, 'Animal', Charles Caiman and, last but definitely not least, Nick Potato. Or whatever his last name was.  
  
'Animal' stared Godzilla in his eyes. "This is not good," he said.   
  
"It's not good?!" Charles bursted out. "Why wasn't I informed?!"  
  
Audrey pushed him. "Shut up," she said, "and run for your life."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Caiman yelled and fled.  
  
'Animal' wiped some sweat off his face. "This is not good."  
  
Nick Patheticus was always the one to oppose. Even when he knew he was terribly wrong, like that time when he thought Mothra could take on Maggie Simpson, he would always oppose his mates. "No, I think you got it a little wrong here," he said. "Despite his attempts to crush us, I think Godzilla is a peaceful animal who deserves to live among us as any other human being."  
  
"No," Audrey said. "He is not a human being, look at him. He's a big, black lizard."  
  
"YOU RACIST PRICK!! I am going to kill you so hard that you're going to wish you're DEAD!"  
  
"No, you're not, because I'm out of here!" Audrey yelled and ran away. Curiously enough, she entered a 7-Eleven before she continued her escape. "AAAAAAAAH!" she yelled, while she was at it.  
  
Nick turned to 'Animal'. "Well, looks like it's just you and me now, pal," Nick Caterpillar said.   
  
"This is not good," came the reply.  
  
"Would you shut up?"  
  
No reply. Obviously, he would shut up.   
  
Nick turned to Godzilla. "Hello," he said.   
  
"GROOOOOIIIIIIIRRRRRRREE!!!" came the reply.  
  
"No, no, not GROIRE. You're not on French territory anymore. It's spelled GROAR."  
  
"GROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!"  
  
"That's much better. What do you think, Animal?"  
  
"This is not good," he replied.  
  
"Wh--How dare you insult Mr. Godzilla? He can't help he's French! Why, you!"  
  
Nick ran after 'Animal' like a furious animal, but luckily for Animal, he jumped on an Animal Transport truck that transported animals. "That was funky," Nick said and ran all the way back to the water. But Godzilla wasn't there anymore.  
  
"Damnit," Nick thought. "I've lost him."  
  
He decided to start a search party, but no one wanted to join him in his insanity. So he stopped a gentleman carrying an umbrella. "Hello," Nick said. "Have you seen a giant lizard around? He's big and he's black."  
  
"No, sir, I haven't."  
  
"Alright, sorry to disturb you. Bye."  
  
"Fare thee well!"  
  
After Nick had left, the man with the umbrella laughed. "You fool," he said and took off his jacket to reveal that he was Godzilla in disguise.   
  
Then, suddenly, something struck him. How was he able to speak English all of a sudden?  
  
Before he was able to figure out why, he felt someone pushing at his right foot. He checked down and saw that it was Audrey Timmonds. "What do you want?" he asked, once again confused by his abilities to speak English.  
  
"I know there is a sensitive side to you, Godzilla," Audrey said. "All these years you've been living without any female godzilla for you to love. You must feel very lonely."  
  
"Well, I guess that's true," Godzilla said. "People say I went to Manhattan four years ago just to cause panic and lay eggs, but that was not the entire truth. I was searching for a partner and I heard there were many singles in New York. I'm just so misunderstood. Groar."  
  
"I understand you," Audrey said. "I do. Will you marry me?"  
  
"Groar, I will! Thank you for making that proposal!"  
  
"No big deal, Nick is such a bore anyway."  
  
"Groire--I mean, groar! Now I'm so happy I have to go wreck a building!"  
  
He wrecked a building, then he wrecked another, occasionally singing:  
  
"I am the world's happiest Godzilla,  
even if I may seem like a ruthless killa,  
I am really just out for a date,  
to meet someone with whom I'd like to mate."  
  
"Mate?!" Audrey exclaimed. "Well, I'll have to think about THAT for a while. I mean, you're a godzilla and I am a human. And my bed - heck, my entire appartment is too small for the both of us. Or you alone. Or me. Or Whoopi Goldberg. Or five gallons of monkey saliva."  
  
"Alright, we'll just adopt a child then," Godzilla suggested. "No big deal, if they are willing to give us permission to do it."  
  
Audrey wasn't sure. "What if they won't?"  
  
"Then we'll adopt the people who won't let us adopt people!"  
  
"Fair enough," Audrey said, then laughed at her own pathetic joke, which wasn't really a joke anyway, but she had a really weird sense of humor.  
  
"Alright," Godzilla said. "Let's do it."  
  
---  
  
'Animal' had been transported to the TV studio, where Nick was waiting. They were friends again. They decided to broadcast live over the whole city. "This is not good," 'Animal' started his huge report.  
  
"I'll take it from here," Nick interrupted. "Thank you. Hello, dear citizens of New York. Can I have some gum, please? Hey, where the heck--who took my gum? I swear that I don't have a gum! NO, I DON'T HAVE A GUM! Aight, there it is. Now, then... I speak to you today, to inform you of the recent chaos in the city. Godzilla is back. I repeat, Godzilla is back. I repeat, there is chaos in the city. I repeat, Godzilla is back. I repeat, hello, dear citizens. This is a rare disease, I repeat, this is a rare disease, that causes you to repeat things over and over again. Hello, dear Godzilla of the city."  
  
"This is not good," 'Animal' added.  
  
"I speak to you today, to inform you of the recent city in the Godzilla. Chaos is back. I repeat, New York is back. New York is here to crush a rare disease, which causes you to speak to you today, to inform you of the latest rare disease of Godzilla. Can I have some gum, please? Aight."  
  
"GET - OUT - OF - THE - WAY!!" a female news reporter yelled and pushed Nick and 'Animal' out of the way. "This is Annie Goldsmith for KNYTCCTTV, I am reporting live from this city. Godzilla has been acting severely out of character recently, I repeat, Godzilla has been acting out of character recently. This is all due to one person: the author of this insanity. Our Godzilla expert, Nick Toothpick, is here to tell us something about this. Nick, would you please tell us, what is going on?"  
  
"Well, uh, it seems that, uh, Godzilla is back and... hey, I'm on TV! Hi, mom and dad!"  
  
Annie wasn't pleased. "'Animal', would you mind telling us what you think?"  
  
"This is not good," he said.  
  
Annie looked directly into the camera. "See that? It's not good. Now it is only a matter of time before it gets really ugly. Like, say, if Barbra Streisand steps in."  
  
Streisand just did.  
  
"Oh, no!"  
  
"MOVE ON TO THE NEXT SCENE! NOW!"  
  
And so they did.   
  
---  
  
On a bar not very far from there, Jerry Seinfeld was performing. "So, what's the deal with this Godzilla? I mean, he's not a god, and what the heck's a zilla? Did they just think, 'Here's a god and here's a zilla. Godzilla'? And what's up with him coming here again? It's not like he thought, 'hey, I'm a big lizard... I'll go to New York and wreck stuff, it'll be so fun'! I also wonder if Godzilla would ever consider doing the laundry. I guess it's easy to imagine a giant lizard going to the dry cleaners and giving them a SIZE ONE MILLION T-SHIRT TO CLEAN! And what's up with that; why is it called 'dry cleaner'? Don't they use any water at all? And so on."  
  
All of a sudden, Godzilla and Audrey entered the bar. "SEINFELD!" Godzilla roared. "Oh my God, I am your biggest fan! Can I have your autograph, please? They've been airing your show on North Pole's local TV channel all day long, and I can't get enough! Please!"  
  
"Aight."  
  
Jerry Seinfeld wrote his autograph on one of Godzilla's teeth. "There you go," he said. "And for the lady," he said and transformed into a hamster, and then turned back to himself just for fun, "here is one."  
  
Mr. Seinfeld took his pencil and wrote his autograph in Audrey's notebook. "Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Seinfeld!" Jerry said. "Oh, I'm sorry, Audrey, I guess that was your line."  
  
"Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Seinfeld!" Audrey yelled so loud that the entire population of Latvia could hear it.  
  
"It was nothing," Jerry answered. "I do this all the time."   
  
"You transform into a hamster all the time?" Audrey asked and looked dumb.  
  
"Yes," he said and transformed into a hamster.   
  
"We'll just be off then," Godzilla said and left the bar.  
  
Upon leaving the bar, Godzilla and his human wife took a walk outside. After some walking, they arrived at a huge pile of house wrecks. "Did you do this?" Audrey asked.  
  
"No, I did not," came the reply. "Strangely enough, this is not my work. It is the work of someone else, probably some giant badass who's now willing to challenge me. Better watch out. I know! I suggest you ask someone in the neighbourhood - perhaps they know?"  
  
They soon found a woman dressed in red. "Greetings, my fair lady," Godzilla said, "I wonder if you know who wrecked this building?"  
  
"Yes, actually I know," the woman answered. "This used to be the World Trade Center, which was destroyed because of one man: Usama bin Laden."  
  
"Usama bin Laden, eh? What's he like?"  
  
"He's tall and has a lot of hair."  
  
Godzilla frowned and assumed the position of our next superhero. "I, Godzilla, will forever fight that Usama bin Laden, as he is my only worthy foe on this planet! If he is anything like Mothra, which is what his appearance suggests, I doubt the fight will be anything else than intense, but ultimately with me as the winner."  
  
"Uh, I am sorry to disappoint you, dearest Godzilla, but no one knows where bin Laden is hiding," Audrey informed him.  
  
"He's hiding? What a wuss! Oh well, an enemy in hiding is probably not even worthy of the title 'warrior'."   
  
"I think you are conveniently forgetting the fact that you used to hide under the water when you attacked New York four years ago," the woman in red said.  
  
"Shut up, I was not hiding," Godzilla said to his defense. "I was, uh... looking for fisssshhhh! Perhaps little human hasss fissssssshhhh?"  
  
"No, I don't have any fisssssh," she said, "and don't look at me that way."  
  
"I am Godzilla and I may do what I want to do."  
  
"Nu-uh," the woman in red said.   
  
"GRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRE!!! I mean GROAR," Godzilla groared and ate the woman.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she didn't scream.  
  
---  
  
Time now to take you to a different place, far far away from New York. Somewhere in Africa, an evil rhinoceros was gathering his fearsome rhino army to kill every other species, as those were of dirty blood. He had already wiped out the entire aroongaloonpiggie species (if you haven't heard of these animals, it's probably because they are extinct nowadays), and his next target was the humans. Don't tell me you haven't heard of the humans either...!  
  
U.S.A. was his first target, more specifically New York. Coincidentally, that was the town in which Godzilla was walking around. The rhinoceros, named Edgar von Schtümp, did not know and would not care even if he had known. A lousy godzilla would not stop him.  
  
They flew an airborne elephant to New York and started infesting the city. Somehow, though, the plan was not working. All the people just looked at the rhinos and laughed. "Oh, what a cute little riot," they said. "I have got to get a picture!"   
  
"Damn Americans! I shall have to speak to the citizens of this village." He didn't know better than to refer to New York as a village. "People of New York, a new sun is rising, and with it my reign! Surrender or die! We will not spare any opponents, so be sure to enlist for my army before we are forced to crush your heads! New Yorkers are flatheads! I hate you all! I am now in command of this land! Hail me, the mighty Edgar von Schtümp! Hail, hail!"  
  
People who heard the pathetic speech were starting to talk about insanity. "New York shall fall!" Edgar yelled. "And I will crush yooooouuuuuu!"  
  
"GROOOOOOIII... AAARRRRR!!!!" a very distinct voice let out from afar.  
  
"Hoo-ray!" the crowd let out. "Godzilla - our savior!"  
  
And so the fearsome lizard entered the stage. All of Edgar's fellow rhinos jumped into the water, thereby killing themselves. "No! You traitors!" Edgar yelled. "You will not sacrifice your bodies... in vain! AAAH!!"  
  
"This has got to stop," Godzilla stated and ate Edgar. But the terror did not stop there, because Edgar survived and lived inside Godzilla's stomach.   
  
"Ha!" the disturbed rhino laughed. "I am invincible! But now you must release me - I command you! We are one body, in which I am the brain, and you are merely the hand, which without questions must follow the commands of the brain! Do as I say, slave!"  
  
Godzilla was furious. "I am not your filthy hand! I am Godzilla and I have officially swallowed you. You are dead."  
  
"I am sorry to disappoint you," Edgar replied, "but I am very much alive. Not only that, but I am also your leader. Remember these words: STRENGTH THROUGH DISCIPLINE. I want you to repeat them every morning."  
  
Godzilla had had enough of Edgar's madness, so he coughed the rhino up and bit him in half. This time he was really dead... or was he? Yes, he was. Surely he could not have survived... NO! HE'S ALIVE!  
  
Haha, just kidding, he's dead.   
  
Audrey kissed Godzilla on the lips for saving the day.   
  
But the danger was far from over...  
  
...  
  
  
....  
  
...  
  
...  
.  
  
BARBRA STREISAND WAS STILL ALIVE!  
  
"Har! Har!" she laughed. "I'm back!"   
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"Oh... well, bye then."  
  
THE FEARSOME... END!  
  
This was pretty insane, wasn't it? I know, I know. I'm a weirdo. You don't have to tell me that. No, mom, I will not see a psychiatrist. NO!   
  
Damn. Gotta go see someone. Bye for now. 


End file.
